Greg Stengel, St. Louis MO
First of all, Greg, count your blessings that your hands are smaller than your arms. Disproportional Hand Disorder is no joke, and literally tens of people every year suffer from its weirdness. In fact I'm on the board of HAND-JOB, a 501(c)3 non-profit that seeks employment for those stricken with DHD. They become minor-league outfielders, steady-cam operators, and bouncers at upscale nightclubs. We also provide them with t-shirts that read "You Know What Big Hands Mean, Ladies..." It's god's work, and I'm proud to help out there.
As for your problem: may I suggest a friendship bracelet instead? You know, one of those gnarly Indian-looking ones! I was at a state fair last week and I saw a few on sale (thirty five cents each!) and I was struck by how dope they were. Almost as dope as friendship itself!
What, if anything, can be done to salvage a pair of suit trousers once the cuffs have begun to fray? And if I retire the trousers, can I continue to use the jacket as a blazer?
Nathaniel Walker, Los Angeles CA
Two words, four syllables: CUT-OFFS. The extra syllables are silent, and they're for the pockets hanging out the front. Also: "retire the trousers" sounds like a quaint euphemism for fucking. I like it. "Evening, madam. What say you we retire our trousers at my manor post-haste?"
My birthday is coming up soon, and my family members asked me what I wanted. I want to tell them a tie, but which one? I have two suits in different shades of gray, and five shirts: pink, white, solid blue, and two striped white shirts.
Seth Rosenberg, New York, NY
This question makes it sounds like there are only like, five ties in the world to choose from. And I would expect nothing less from a man who only owns two suits and five shirts! Step up your wardrobe game, Seth!
Also: don't you hate when family members ask what you want for your birthday? Don't they know you well enough to just know? Or are we just like, alone in the universe? Is that what it is? Are we completely trapped in our own heads, forced to make do with whatever scant and random human connections we may stumble upon? Is man fundamentally unknowable? Get a black tie.
Please help! I have bought my fiance a new trench coat for his birthday, but at what length should the trench hit his legs?
Dorothy R. Nederman, Washington DC
Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe you are the first juggalette to write in to this column, Dorothy. Big ups to you for that. Also, big ups to you for not just getting your ninja the standard case of Faygo and a beej for his big bday. Big ups all around. You are definitely using your bowling ball, and probably spending mad chedda. Living by the hatchet! I hope that ninja reciprocates in your neden.
Trench coats are badass, and I bet your mans is going to look like a straight pimp in that shit. As a rule, the trench should stop a few inches above the hem of an average pair of JNCOs. He should keep it open enough to see a hint of his wallet chain, but you knew that part already. Thanks for writing in, much clown love for you. FORKS DOWN FORKS UP MY NINJAS!